Late Night Obligatory "What I'm Thankful For" Post

I recently reactivated my Facebook account after a three-month hiatus. With it being very close to Thanksgiving, it was a nice transition to come back to a feed full of goodwill, and lists of things all my friends and family are thankful for. I tried my hand at it, but after countless backspacing and retyping, I just don't think a Facebook status is the proper medium for everything I have to say.

See, reactivating my Facebook account wasn't the only thing that happened this week, my place of employment went out of business, leaving me jobless, and I am currently on Day 6 of having lost my voice.

These two things have been making me feel bitter and helpless the last few days. If you should ever get let go, or have your job go under, for an entire day, pretend like you can't talk. You can't yell or cuss, or even talk it out to try to figure out what you're going to do. It's frustrating. So the other day when I was given the news, and I returned home, I tried my hardest to keep it to myself, but I ended up screaming in the loudest whisper I could muster.

That night I looked at Gabe, and I said (whispered, rather) "I'm jobless, I'm voiceless, and I'm terrified that on Thanksgiving when we all inevitably go around the table to say what we're thankful for, I'm not going to have a single thing to say!"

And hand to God, tears in my eyes, I believed it. But, this whole year hasn't been bad, and something about hitting a moment like one, hopeless and afraid, made me want to dig deep inside myself and find the things I'm thankful for.

First and foremost, NaNoWriMo. I wasn't terribly excited about it this year. And despite my story being pretty solid, well written, and pretty damn interesting, it's just felt like a chore above anything else. However, when you can't talk to anyone, it's nice to be able to write for hours, and have some kind of means of self-expression. Besides that, it's nice to kill off people and slap people in their imaginary faces when I'm down. Just tonight, all of my rage boiled down to a scene where one girl is trying to take advantage of another girl, when the victim girl rips off a chunk of the girl's neck, and spits it back at her. Something I never would have experienced, or thought of writing, without NaNoWriMo.

Crocheting, of course. I've crocheted a lot this year. I've made a lot of things, and I like spending my time making whatever it is that looks cute or fun, but it wasn't until today that I realized how much I appreciated it. Earlier today, I found myself listening to the Chrono Cross soundtrack, and for the first time a VERY very long time, I was yearning for the sea. I haven't seen in it four years, and I thought about how much I just wanted to jump into it, and let it wash all my problems away. Then, there was this beautiful scarf pattern I started to make in wool, a dark blue and an off white with speckles. Looking down at it, it resembles the salt and the foam and the water of the ocean, and now I can wrap myself within it anytime I want. I do that with so many of my creations, whether it reminds me of the ocean, or someone beautiful, or just a color I saw in a painting once. How satisfying to wear something with such meaning, instead of just looking at it.

I am incredibly thankful for the improvements my asthma has made over the last year. While it's still not close to perfect, and may never be, I learned a lot about asthma in the last year, and between becoming a vegetarian, my brief (but hopefully not permanently finished) brush with acupuncture, learning about teas and herbs, my lungs have come a very long way from where they were last year. I hope they will continue to improve, but for now, I'm just glad that I can walk as fast as I can without getting winded, and don't fear things like parking far away from a building, or looking for my keys before I take my steroids. This time last year, things were so bad I couldn't do these things without stopping to rest, and I can't be thankful enough for how much improvement there has been.

Of course, Gabe. We have our days, but when money is tight, even for both of us, he does everything he can to make sure we can eat, hell, even to make sure we have ice cream. He hugs me when the price of my medication goes up. He puts his hand right over my lungs when we hug and my lungs happen to be bad that day. He listens to me yell about bad days, and smiles at me when I dance around a bit when I tell him about my good days. He treats our animals like they're human, and he reminds me to feed my spiders, because he knows I only feed animals like Walter, who have to remind me to feed them. He buys the eight pound bag of fries (But still won't let me prove that I could eat all of it in one sitting, which is nice in and of itself, even though I love fries). He helps me pick out colors of yarn, because I have NO idea what colors match other colors, and he even made me a dragon egg full or yarn for my birthday. He asks me questions, makes me think, encourages me to do bigger and better things all the time. Tells me I can kiss girls if I want to, even though I don't. Makes dinner. Introduced me to Star Trek. I could, of course, go on for much longer about all the things Gabe has done for me this year, and in years past. The point is, without him, I don't know where I'd be. He is my rock.

And finally, the thing I am always THE MOST thankful for, every year: Indoor plumbing! Isn't life awesome!?

My list could go on. From fries, to watercolors, to blankets, to laundry detergent, I am thankful for a lot. So, even if you're having a rough week, a rough month, or even if 2012 hasn't been the best to you, I hope you'll still take some time to think about everything in your life that you have. I can honestly say that once I started thinking about it a little, the rough patch I'm enduring suddenly didn't seem so bad.

(Take care, and have a Happy Thanksgiving <3)

TMNT Can Cozies

These cozies were actually made as a commission for someone who decided AFTER I had made them all that they didn't want to buy them. Maybe I overcharge on my Etsy Store, but then again, Maybe I'm just someone who values their time more than most people. I never call in sick, but I do request days off for no reason sometimes. I don't spend my days off getting things done, I spend them doing things that make me happy (if I didn't, would I have a blog dedicated to crocheting and crafts?)

All these things are so important to me, having more happiness than money, having more time to take walks and pictures of wildflowers than doing laundry and fretting about things. I occasionally do laundry and fret, but more often than not I'm cuddled up in a nest crocheting something big and fuzzy. Why, then, did it take me so long to deal with the fact that I was hating what I was doing 40 hours a week?

Until recently, I worked at a movie theater. I didn't work at your typical movie, theater, either. It was a more upscale theater with higher prices, and better commodities (also a theater that has jaded the word 'amenities' for me forever. More on that later). The customers were so mean to me that in the past I have gone home to cry, drink, and Gabe and I have even had some rough times when I came home to scream and scream and scream about how my day went.

I had been called stupid, a 'fucking idiot'. I've been told I will 'never go anywhere in life'. I have been called a liar after telling someone that our theater has won awards. I have been literally screamed at for telling someone they had to wait in line. I have been told our salt is 'too salty'. I have been personally blamed for mistakes made when a person ordered tickets online, then promptly yelled at. I have been scoffed at and had my eyes rolled at me countless times. I could go on, believe me. Is it because I'm a mean or rude person? No, it's because people are used to getting the things they want, no matter what, and I was actually holding our policies up. I got yelled at, berated and degraded for doing my job, properly.

I stayed there for two years, and some change. I stayed there because I was convinced I couldn't find another job, because this was the best I could do. It wasn't until the incident in Aurora, CO that got me to quit.

It was a strange feeling, to feel so close to something that had nothing to do with you. Maybe it was the fact that it was a movie theater, and so is Sundance, or the fact that it was so random and isolated of an incident that it very well could have been me, at my theater. It may have even been the fact that that weekend, customer after customer scrunched their faces up and scoffed at me when I told them we would have no additional security in our theaters, and I was just about done. But honestly, it was very little of that, it was the fact that the tiniest part of me thought for one millisecond that I kind of maybe understood where he was coming from.

No, not the deranged Joker persona and the killing of many innocent people. No, not that part. The anger part. The part where people treat you terribly for no reason to a point where you do something drastic and irrational.

People are mean. People make you cry, and run you over, even when you're being nice, and even when they know you're having a rough time. In that moment, I realized how much faith I had truly lost in humanity, and I couldn't deal with it!

I left early that Saturday, having a crisis with myself.  Do I stay, stay unhappy and comfortable, or leave and go out into the big scary world of job hunting, potential unhappiness on an even deeper level, and maybe even a pay decrease? Yes, yes I would. Without having a job lined up, I quit. I quit the hell out of that place.

Exactly two weeks after putting my notice in, I was hired on the spot at a place where I will be able to serve my favorite thing (espresso) to people doing my favorite thing (being creative). I will be working at Traveler's Hearth Cafe & Games, a cafe and board game shop, where people can get away from their TVs, phones, twitter, and whatever other time-wasting machines to be social, and have fun with their time. My kind of place? I hope so.

So, I may have wasted some time making these cozies, but I suppose the least I can do is make the best of it, and share the pattern with you guys. And yes, I'm going to do my best to take some things with Sundance with me, and leave the negativity behind.

These cozies were rather easy enough to make. I  adapted them from my TMNT Mug cozies, and I actually like them better. I think they look nicer, even though I have no use for can cozies...I hope someone else does.

So here's how to do it.

Base worked in continuous rounds.

R1: With green, ch 2, 6 sc in second ch from hook (6sc)

R2: 2 sc in each sc around (12sc)

R3: *2sc in next st, sc* 6 times around (18sc)

R4: *2sc in next st, 2sc* 6 times around (24sc)

R5: *2sc in next st, 3sc* 6 times around (30sc)

R6: *2sc in next st, 4sc* 6 times around (36sc)

R7: ch 1 (does not count as stitch now and throughout), in back loop only hdc in each st around. ss to first hdc. ch 1, turn (36hdc)

R8 - 15: Working in both loops, hdc in each st around. ss to first hdc, ch 1.

R16 -20: With Color B (Bandana color), hdc in each st around. ss to first hdc, ch 1.

R21 - 22: With green, hdc in each st around. ss to first hdc, ch 1. Fasten off after row 22.

Eyes (Make 2):

R1: With white, ch 2, 6sc in second ch from hook. Do not join to first st. (6sc)
R2: 2sc in each st around, ss to first st, cut white. (12sc)
R3: With Color B (Bandana color),  *2sc in next st, sc* 6 times around (18sc). Fasten off, but leave a long tail.

Pupils (Make 2):

With black, ch 2, 6 sc in second ch from hook, ss to first sc. Fasten off, but leave a long tail.

Using the long tail, sew the pupils onto the eyes. Then, using the long tail, sew the eyes onto the mug cozy.

Weave in all ends.

Good luck, guys! I should be back soon with some STAR TREK goodies, and another semirelated story :)

Holiday Confections Part Two: Buckeyes

Buckeyes are a strange thing for me. I know it's rare to relate something BAD to something as delicious as a buckeye (It's peanut butter, cream cheese, and powdered sugar...covered in chocolate...what's so bad about it, right?), but somehow, I managed to have that happen to me.

When I was younger, I had more step-family than family, and I was certainly not a favorite at family gatherings (or in my case, step-family gatherings). I had a step-grandma who lived in Ohio and when she came down, everyone seemed really happy to see her, but I absolutely hated her. She was mean to me, rude to me, put me down, and hurt me (emotionally and physically). And you know what she always made as a treat? You guessed it. Buckeyes.

They were good. Damn good, actually. Probably the only good thing about her, in all honesty. I ate these things year after year, finding some odd kind of relief to her visits in these little peanut buttery truffles, and it wasn't until this year that I realized that she was the only thing I related to these treats.

Here I am, trying to make something delicious and nice for my co-workers, and I find myself grinding my teeth, holding my hand mixer so tightly my knuckles are turning white, and an inexplicable lump is forming in my throat, and as desperate as I am to think of something, anything, else, she is all I can think of. I thought I had buried the hatchet long ago, but apparently deciding to make something beautiful and delicious was enough to open that can of worms again.

I felt annoyed once again, that even in absence (and in death), this woman is still getting the last laugh.

So, I decided to make these every year until the price of peanut butter is just too damn high for my budget.

These are so good you guys, SO good, and I refuse to think of her when I make, and subsequently eat, these. I want to think about my own Christmases, holidays and friends, and my own moments, in my own life, with my boyfriend and maybe someday my kids and grandkids (and hopefully said grandkids will not think of me the way that I think of her). I want this to be something I can make with a smile on my face, a flutter in my heart, and a twinkle in my eye as I salivate thinking about how impossibly good these are.

I know my photography has been lacking lately...but will return to somewhat normal soon!

So without further ado, here is the recipe to the most insanely, impossibly and beautifully delicious thing I have made in a long time. Something so amazing, that I am unearthing issues long dead so I can eat these and have absolutely perfect moments when I do (and I hope you will, too).

Buckeyes

Ingredients:

-1/4 Cup Cream Cheese (softened)
- 1 1/2 Cup Peanut Butter
- 1 Cup Graham Cracker Crumbs
- 1/4 Tsp. Salt
- 3 Cups Powdered Sugar
- 10 TBS. Unsalted butter (melted and cooled)
- 12 Oz. Dark chocolate (60 - 75%) coarsely chopped

How to do it:

For the filling:

1. Beat cream cheese and peanut butter until combined.
2. Add Graham cracker crumbs, beat 10 seconds.
3. Add sugar and butter. Mix on lowest speed until nothing in floating in the butter, then increase speed until ingredients are combined.

For the coating:

Melt chocolate in microwave according to package directions. Cool until tepid.

For assembling:

1. Line baking sheet with parchment paper
2. Scoop out roughly 1 TBS of filling, and use hands to form into a ball.

The balls can sit close to each other, but make sure they don't touch.

3. Using a spoon, roll each ball in the chocolate until it is covered.

4. Refrigerate or freeze.

5. Indulge.

 

I'll be back soon with another recipe!

Unsent Letters (Part 1/?)

Dear Don McLean,

While I was too young to remember meeting you, I'm very happy that I can say that I did. I wonder if you remember meeting me, but I doubt it. While you have a better chance of remembering such a thing, I don't know why you would. I know I was too young to understand who you were, why you were important, or that years later I would actually listen to your music and be moved by it, but that makes things like this so much more amazing.

Thanks for everything.

-Pam



I apologize in advance, as LiveJournal (my normal "feelings" journal) has not been working for about 3 - 4 days now, and they have no idea when it will be back up. I will still do my best to incorporate creativity into my feelings (and of course vise versa!), but I nonetheless apologize if I grow boring or emotional. To make up for it, I'll have a duct tape wallet tutorial in the next few days. Possibly a duct tape purse tutorial as well, but that probably won't be for a little while.