I have spoken of my asthma numerous times. I have had people brush off the severity I attempt to describe, until they see my asthma in action. I have been denied admittance into a severe asthma study for my asthma being too severe. I sometimes get wheezy and short of breath if I chew certain kinds of gum. I can't breathe through my nose, even if I am not stuffy.
Some of these things don't make sense for asthma, and that is because it turns out I don't have your run-of-the-mill asthma. I have a type of asthma called Samter's Triad.
I have said it over and over in my head since I got my brand new diagnosis, not even 12 hours ago. "I have Samter's Triad" I have tried saying to myself. I have imagined scenarios where people ask me what's wrong with my lungs, and I respond "I have Samter's Triad", and they would say "What is that?"
To which the only response I can think of:
"Eight years ago I tried to kill myself by swallowing 90 aspirin, and apparently I had an adverse reaction to it that has been haunting me since 2006. I have severe asthma, paired with nasal polyps and an allergy to aspirin, and other chemicals. Really, it's just like asthma with two bonus complications, and a ghost of a suicide attempt that will haunt me for much longer than I ever anticipated."
All day, the words "Samter's Triad" have been plaguing me, but it's not my "new" asthma that is plaguing me. In fact, I'm happy I have a different diagnosis. Knowing exactly what it is will help me manage everything better, and I will be healthier than ever. So why, at 4:00 in the morning, was I sitting on my couch, staring off into space thinking "Why am I so discontent about this?"
Because it's not the new diagnosis, it's the fact that I tried to kill myself eight years ago, and I thought I had shrugged the whole thing off, when really, my suicide attempt has been running my life since then. Even now, as controlled as it is, aspects of my asthma still run my life. It feels like there has been a shadow following me for 8 years, and now that I finally see it, all I can think is "How did I miss this before?"
I have never been one for regrets. I have always (ALWAYS) said that I have no regrets, because every stupid decision I have ever made has turned me into the person I am today. I didn't even regret my suicide attempt until I learned what it has done to me, my lungs, and my peace of mind. It is now the one thing I regret.
The other reason I regret it now, is because my life actually fell into place. I have a job I love, a fiancee I can't say enough wonderful things about, my paychecks are growing, my waistline is shrinking, I have enough money to do all the martial arts I want to keep me sane, in a place where I have made wonderful and supportive friends. I get to be myself every single day, and make my own decisions, and do every single thing I wanted to do when I was 17, but couldn't, and was driven to try to kill myself because of it. I tried to end it, and a mere 8 years later, everything has become just the way I wanted it.
Now, what I'm saying is not "Finally! Eight years later, things are looking up!" No, it only took 6 months after my suicide attempt for things to start looking up. I am saying it took eight years for EVERYTHING to line up perfectly. Eight years to go from not being allowed to close my door in case I tried to kill myself again, to spending everything single day wishing it would never end, while simultaneously anxious for the next day to start because tomorrow is going to be just as good, if not better. That is not a lot of time for that much improvement.
There are ups and downs, but they pass, and I have more supportive friends around me than I could ever ask for, and a brilliant fiancee who listens to me talk, and express every single one of my feelings for as long as I need him to. My overwhelming amount of emotions has always felt like a curse of sorts, and I actually found someone who can lift the curse by letting me empty my cup of emotions, even if it will be full again hours later.
It got better, even my asthma is manageable, but it made my road harder. If I had never swallowed 90 aspirin, maybe I could have gotten through the last 8 years with mild asthma (or no asthma), and no weird allergies to foods and pain killers, and maybe I would have been able to go my entire life without having to Google what a polyp is. My suicide attempt made my road harder, and my path eventually got me to the place I wanted to go anyway, so why did I put up 1,000 hurdles in front of myself, just to go down the same road and get to the same place, but with more effort and trouble? Especially for something that settled itself out a mere 6 months later.
It gets better, I promise.
Showing posts with label feelings. Show all posts
Showing posts with label feelings. Show all posts
Wednesday, August 27, 2014
Thursday, November 22, 2012
Late Night Obligatory "What I'm Thankful For" Post
I recently reactivated my Facebook account after a three-month hiatus. With it being very close to Thanksgiving, it was a nice transition to come back to a feed full of goodwill, and lists of things all my friends and family are thankful for. I tried my hand at it, but after countless backspacing and retyping, I just don't think a Facebook status is the proper medium for everything I have to say.
See, reactivating my Facebook account wasn't the only thing that happened this week, my place of employment went out of business, leaving me jobless, and I am currently on Day 6 of having lost my voice.
These two things have been making me feel bitter and helpless the last few days. If you should ever get let go, or have your job go under, for an entire day, pretend like you can't talk. You can't yell or cuss, or even talk it out to try to figure out what you're going to do. It's frustrating. So the other day when I was given the news, and I returned home, I tried my hardest to keep it to myself, but I ended up screaming in the loudest whisper I could muster.
That night I looked at Gabe, and I said (whispered, rather) "I'm jobless, I'm voiceless, and I'm terrified that on Thanksgiving when we all inevitably go around the table to say what we're thankful for, I'm not going to have a single thing to say!"
And hand to God, tears in my eyes, I believed it. But, this whole year hasn't been bad, and something about hitting a moment like one, hopeless and afraid, made me want to dig deep inside myself and find the things I'm thankful for.
First and foremost, NaNoWriMo. I wasn't terribly excited about it this year. And despite my story being pretty solid, well written, and pretty damn interesting, it's just felt like a chore above anything else. However, when you can't talk to anyone, it's nice to be able to write for hours, and have some kind of means of self-expression. Besides that, it's nice to kill off people and slap people in their imaginary faces when I'm down. Just tonight, all of my rage boiled down to a scene where one girl is trying to take advantage of another girl, when the victim girl rips off a chunk of the girl's neck, and spits it back at her. Something I never would have experienced, or thought of writing, without NaNoWriMo.
Crocheting, of course. I've crocheted a lot this year. I've made a lot of things, and I like spending my time making whatever it is that looks cute or fun, but it wasn't until today that I realized how much I appreciated it. Earlier today, I found myself listening to the Chrono Cross soundtrack, and for the first time a VERY very long time, I was yearning for the sea. I haven't seen in it four years, and I thought about how much I just wanted to jump into it, and let it wash all my problems away. Then, there was this beautiful scarf pattern I started to make in wool, a dark blue and an off white with speckles. Looking down at it, it resembles the salt and the foam and the water of the ocean, and now I can wrap myself within it anytime I want. I do that with so many of my creations, whether it reminds me of the ocean, or someone beautiful, or just a color I saw in a painting once. How satisfying to wear something with such meaning, instead of just looking at it.
I am incredibly thankful for the improvements my asthma has made over the last year. While it's still not close to perfect, and may never be, I learned a lot about asthma in the last year, and between becoming a vegetarian, my brief (but hopefully not permanently finished) brush with acupuncture, learning about teas and herbs, my lungs have come a very long way from where they were last year. I hope they will continue to improve, but for now, I'm just glad that I can walk as fast as I can without getting winded, and don't fear things like parking far away from a building, or looking for my keys before I take my steroids. This time last year, things were so bad I couldn't do these things without stopping to rest, and I can't be thankful enough for how much improvement there has been.
Of course, Gabe. We have our days, but when money is tight, even for both of us, he does everything he can to make sure we can eat, hell, even to make sure we have ice cream. He hugs me when the price of my medication goes up. He puts his hand right over my lungs when we hug and my lungs happen to be bad that day. He listens to me yell about bad days, and smiles at me when I dance around a bit when I tell him about my good days. He treats our animals like they're human, and he reminds me to feed my spiders, because he knows I only feed animals like Walter, who have to remind me to feed them. He buys the eight pound bag of fries (But still won't let me prove that I could eat all of it in one sitting, which is nice in and of itself, even though I love fries). He helps me pick out colors of yarn, because I have NO idea what colors match other colors, and he even made me a dragon egg full or yarn for my birthday. He asks me questions, makes me think, encourages me to do bigger and better things all the time. Tells me I can kiss girls if I want to, even though I don't. Makes dinner. Introduced me to Star Trek. I could, of course, go on for much longer about all the things Gabe has done for me this year, and in years past. The point is, without him, I don't know where I'd be. He is my rock.
And finally, the thing I am always THE MOST thankful for, every year: Indoor plumbing! Isn't life awesome!?
My list could go on. From fries, to watercolors, to blankets, to laundry detergent, I am thankful for a lot. So, even if you're having a rough week, a rough month, or even if 2012 hasn't been the best to you, I hope you'll still take some time to think about everything in your life that you have. I can honestly say that once I started thinking about it a little, the rough patch I'm enduring suddenly didn't seem so bad.
(Take care, and have a Happy Thanksgiving <3)
See, reactivating my Facebook account wasn't the only thing that happened this week, my place of employment went out of business, leaving me jobless, and I am currently on Day 6 of having lost my voice.
These two things have been making me feel bitter and helpless the last few days. If you should ever get let go, or have your job go under, for an entire day, pretend like you can't talk. You can't yell or cuss, or even talk it out to try to figure out what you're going to do. It's frustrating. So the other day when I was given the news, and I returned home, I tried my hardest to keep it to myself, but I ended up screaming in the loudest whisper I could muster.
That night I looked at Gabe, and I said (whispered, rather) "I'm jobless, I'm voiceless, and I'm terrified that on Thanksgiving when we all inevitably go around the table to say what we're thankful for, I'm not going to have a single thing to say!"
And hand to God, tears in my eyes, I believed it. But, this whole year hasn't been bad, and something about hitting a moment like one, hopeless and afraid, made me want to dig deep inside myself and find the things I'm thankful for.
First and foremost, NaNoWriMo. I wasn't terribly excited about it this year. And despite my story being pretty solid, well written, and pretty damn interesting, it's just felt like a chore above anything else. However, when you can't talk to anyone, it's nice to be able to write for hours, and have some kind of means of self-expression. Besides that, it's nice to kill off people and slap people in their imaginary faces when I'm down. Just tonight, all of my rage boiled down to a scene where one girl is trying to take advantage of another girl, when the victim girl rips off a chunk of the girl's neck, and spits it back at her. Something I never would have experienced, or thought of writing, without NaNoWriMo.
Crocheting, of course. I've crocheted a lot this year. I've made a lot of things, and I like spending my time making whatever it is that looks cute or fun, but it wasn't until today that I realized how much I appreciated it. Earlier today, I found myself listening to the Chrono Cross soundtrack, and for the first time a VERY very long time, I was yearning for the sea. I haven't seen in it four years, and I thought about how much I just wanted to jump into it, and let it wash all my problems away. Then, there was this beautiful scarf pattern I started to make in wool, a dark blue and an off white with speckles. Looking down at it, it resembles the salt and the foam and the water of the ocean, and now I can wrap myself within it anytime I want. I do that with so many of my creations, whether it reminds me of the ocean, or someone beautiful, or just a color I saw in a painting once. How satisfying to wear something with such meaning, instead of just looking at it.
I am incredibly thankful for the improvements my asthma has made over the last year. While it's still not close to perfect, and may never be, I learned a lot about asthma in the last year, and between becoming a vegetarian, my brief (but hopefully not permanently finished) brush with acupuncture, learning about teas and herbs, my lungs have come a very long way from where they were last year. I hope they will continue to improve, but for now, I'm just glad that I can walk as fast as I can without getting winded, and don't fear things like parking far away from a building, or looking for my keys before I take my steroids. This time last year, things were so bad I couldn't do these things without stopping to rest, and I can't be thankful enough for how much improvement there has been.
Of course, Gabe. We have our days, but when money is tight, even for both of us, he does everything he can to make sure we can eat, hell, even to make sure we have ice cream. He hugs me when the price of my medication goes up. He puts his hand right over my lungs when we hug and my lungs happen to be bad that day. He listens to me yell about bad days, and smiles at me when I dance around a bit when I tell him about my good days. He treats our animals like they're human, and he reminds me to feed my spiders, because he knows I only feed animals like Walter, who have to remind me to feed them. He buys the eight pound bag of fries (But still won't let me prove that I could eat all of it in one sitting, which is nice in and of itself, even though I love fries). He helps me pick out colors of yarn, because I have NO idea what colors match other colors, and he even made me a dragon egg full or yarn for my birthday. He asks me questions, makes me think, encourages me to do bigger and better things all the time. Tells me I can kiss girls if I want to, even though I don't. Makes dinner. Introduced me to Star Trek. I could, of course, go on for much longer about all the things Gabe has done for me this year, and in years past. The point is, without him, I don't know where I'd be. He is my rock.
And finally, the thing I am always THE MOST thankful for, every year: Indoor plumbing! Isn't life awesome!?
My list could go on. From fries, to watercolors, to blankets, to laundry detergent, I am thankful for a lot. So, even if you're having a rough week, a rough month, or even if 2012 hasn't been the best to you, I hope you'll still take some time to think about everything in your life that you have. I can honestly say that once I started thinking about it a little, the rough patch I'm enduring suddenly didn't seem so bad.
(Take care, and have a Happy Thanksgiving <3)
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Unsent Letters (Part 1/?)
Dear Don McLean,
While I was too young to remember meeting you, I'm very happy that I can say that I did. I wonder if you remember meeting me, but I doubt it. While you have a better chance of remembering such a thing, I don't know why you would. I know I was too young to understand who you were, why you were important, or that years later I would actually listen to your music and be moved by it, but that makes things like this so much more amazing.
Thanks for everything.
-Pam
I apologize in advance, as LiveJournal (my normal "feelings" journal) has not been working for about 3 - 4 days now, and they have no idea when it will be back up. I will still do my best to incorporate creativity into my feelings (and of course vise versa!), but I nonetheless apologize if I grow boring or emotional. To make up for it, I'll have a duct tape wallet tutorial in the next few days. Possibly a duct tape purse tutorial as well, but that probably won't be for a little while.
While I was too young to remember meeting you, I'm very happy that I can say that I did. I wonder if you remember meeting me, but I doubt it. While you have a better chance of remembering such a thing, I don't know why you would. I know I was too young to understand who you were, why you were important, or that years later I would actually listen to your music and be moved by it, but that makes things like this so much more amazing.
Thanks for everything.
-Pam
I apologize in advance, as LiveJournal (my normal "feelings" journal) has not been working for about 3 - 4 days now, and they have no idea when it will be back up. I will still do my best to incorporate creativity into my feelings (and of course vise versa!), but I nonetheless apologize if I grow boring or emotional. To make up for it, I'll have a duct tape wallet tutorial in the next few days. Possibly a duct tape purse tutorial as well, but that probably won't be for a little while.
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