Thursday, November 22, 2012

Late Night Obligatory "What I'm Thankful For" Post

I recently reactivated my Facebook account after a three-month hiatus. With it being very close to Thanksgiving, it was a nice transition to come back to a feed full of goodwill, and lists of things all my friends and family are thankful for. I tried my hand at it, but after countless backspacing and retyping, I just don't think a Facebook status is the proper medium for everything I have to say.

See, reactivating my Facebook account wasn't the only thing that happened this week, my place of employment went out of business, leaving me jobless, and I am currently on Day 6 of having lost my voice.

These two things have been making me feel bitter and helpless the last few days. If you should ever get let go, or have your job go under, for an entire day, pretend like you can't talk. You can't yell or cuss, or even talk it out to try to figure out what you're going to do. It's frustrating. So the other day when I was given the news, and I returned home, I tried my hardest to keep it to myself, but I ended up screaming in the loudest whisper I could muster.

That night I looked at Gabe, and I said (whispered, rather) "I'm jobless, I'm voiceless, and I'm terrified that on Thanksgiving when we all inevitably go around the table to say what we're thankful for, I'm not going to have a single thing to say!"

And hand to God, tears in my eyes, I believed it. But, this whole year hasn't been bad, and something about hitting a moment like one, hopeless and afraid, made me want to dig deep inside myself and find the things I'm thankful for.

First and foremost, NaNoWriMo. I wasn't terribly excited about it this year. And despite my story being pretty solid, well written, and pretty damn interesting, it's just felt like a chore above anything else. However, when you can't talk to anyone, it's nice to be able to write for hours, and have some kind of means of self-expression. Besides that, it's nice to kill off people and slap people in their imaginary faces when I'm down. Just tonight, all of my rage boiled down to a scene where one girl is trying to take advantage of another girl, when the victim girl rips off a chunk of the girl's neck, and spits it back at her. Something I never would have experienced, or thought of writing, without NaNoWriMo.

Crocheting, of course. I've crocheted a lot this year. I've made a lot of things, and I like spending my time making whatever it is that looks cute or fun, but it wasn't until today that I realized how much I appreciated it. Earlier today, I found myself listening to the Chrono Cross soundtrack, and for the first time a VERY very long time, I was yearning for the sea. I haven't seen in it four years, and I thought about how much I just wanted to jump into it, and let it wash all my problems away. Then, there was this beautiful scarf pattern I started to make in wool, a dark blue and an off white with speckles. Looking down at it, it resembles the salt and the foam and the water of the ocean, and now I can wrap myself within it anytime I want. I do that with so many of my creations, whether it reminds me of the ocean, or someone beautiful, or just a color I saw in a painting once. How satisfying to wear something with such meaning, instead of just looking at it.

I am incredibly thankful for the improvements my asthma has made over the last year. While it's still not close to perfect, and may never be, I learned a lot about asthma in the last year, and between becoming a vegetarian, my brief (but hopefully not permanently finished) brush with acupuncture, learning about teas and herbs, my lungs have come a very long way from where they were last year. I hope they will continue to improve, but for now, I'm just glad that I can walk as fast as I can without getting winded, and don't fear things like parking far away from a building, or looking for my keys before I take my steroids. This time last year, things were so bad I couldn't do these things without stopping to rest, and I can't be thankful enough for how much improvement there has been.

Of course, Gabe. We have our days, but when money is tight, even for both of us, he does everything he can to make sure we can eat, hell, even to make sure we have ice cream. He hugs me when the price of my medication goes up. He puts his hand right over my lungs when we hug and my lungs happen to be bad that day. He listens to me yell about bad days, and smiles at me when I dance around a bit when I tell him about my good days. He treats our animals like they're human, and he reminds me to feed my spiders, because he knows I only feed animals like Walter, who have to remind me to feed them. He buys the eight pound bag of fries (But still won't let me prove that I could eat all of it in one sitting, which is nice in and of itself, even though I love fries). He helps me pick out colors of yarn, because I have NO idea what colors match other colors, and he even made me a dragon egg full or yarn for my birthday. He asks me questions, makes me think, encourages me to do bigger and better things all the time. Tells me I can kiss girls if I want to, even though I don't. Makes dinner. Introduced me to Star Trek. I could, of course, go on for much longer about all the things Gabe has done for me this year, and in years past. The point is, without him, I don't know where I'd be. He is my rock.

And finally, the thing I am always THE MOST thankful for, every year: Indoor plumbing! Isn't life awesome!?

My list could go on. From fries, to watercolors, to blankets, to laundry detergent, I am thankful for a lot. So, even if you're having a rough week, a rough month, or even if 2012 hasn't been the best to you, I hope you'll still take some time to think about everything in your life that you have. I can honestly say that once I started thinking about it a little, the rough patch I'm enduring suddenly didn't seem so bad.

(Take care, and have a Happy Thanksgiving <3)

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